End of the Map

No one in Barbados has a last name. I learned this very early during my stay here. Whenever you meet someone, you get their first name and then an associative physical or geographical characteristic. "Hi, I'm Peter." And Peter is tall and bald and from Denmark and so that's how Peter is known to you from then on. When you describe Peter to someone else, those characteristics become that person's last name. Person A: "Do you know Peter?" Person B: "Maybe. Peter who?" Person A: "You know. Tall. Bald. From Denmark?" Person B: "Oh right - Peter!" What's incredible is that people fully accept that this counts as "knowing someone," and I can think of no better way to encapsulate my time on the island than that: a series of very intimate and personal connections, shared experiences, and fun where no one even knows your name. It's hard to say what I'll miss about Barbados because I believe that in time, this pl...

Anton Chekhov believed that every element of a story should contribute to the whole. "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise, don't put it there." A month ago, I was sitting in my driveway, talking to my neighbor. We were talking about fights in Barbados. I was curious to know how the men here typically behaved when a fight broke out. Did they throw fists? Was anyone quick to grab a knife? How often did shootings happen? Ever see some wild shit? She laughed and said that none of those things happened all that often on the island. She went on to note that of the three or four fights she had witnessed in her life, all of the men picked up a rock to use as a weapon. "Huh," I thought to myself at the time. "Good to know." Fast forward to this morning. I've been trying to get a new routine down since restrictions have loosened and gyms were allowed to re-open. I settled on this: wa...

One hundred and fourteen miles east of Barbados sits the island nation of St. Vincent and the Grenadines. St. Vincent is the name of the largest island in the archipelagic chain that constitutes the country, which gained independence from Britain back in 1979. It was also in 1979 that the country last saw the eruption of La Soufriere, the volcano that casts a shadow over Georgetown and Fancy on the northern end of St. Vincent. La Soufriere hadn't made a peep in forty-two years. That changed last Friday. La Soufriere erupted early in the morning hours of April 9, spewing gas and ash as high as thirty-three thousand feet. More than sixteen thousand people were ordered to evacuate at that time. What to do with the residents has become a stumbling block for the country. Cruise ships have offered to help but many of those weren't ready until the following Monday. Many citizens refused to evacuate. And of course, this all sits against the backdrop of the covid-19 pandemic (thank good...

This afternoon, I finished my training and I leashed my dog and I walked to the beach and I stripped to my underwear and I threw myself into the waves. That's all. Happy weekend, everyone.

The current rules for quarantine in Barbados dictate that each new arrival spend five days in isolation before being re-tested for covid. I say re-tested because each new arrival is also required to produce a negative PCR test result upon touchdown, so travelers to the island will be tested twice in the space of eight days. Thanks to the unpredictable weather of the American Northeast, snow and ice delayed my flight for a few days, meaning that I was tested twice in six days prior to leaving. These details will become relevant in a minute, I promise. The afternoon of Friday, February 12th will be a memory that sticks with me for a long time. I had been in quarantine at the Moonraker since the previous Saturday afternoon, and I had taken my second covid test. I was waiting on my test results because I was desperate to leave the spartan confines of the beach shack for the more comfortable amenities of my posh apartment. There is a lot to love about the Moonraker, and my dog and I visit t...

A note about Roo, and dogs -  Rousimoff is my dog's full given name. I named him after Andre Rousimoff, who you will remember as the professional wrestler Andre the Giant. Andre was my favorite wrestler as a kid, and he had a guest starring role in one of my all-time favorite movies, The Princess Bride. Like Andre, my Roo is a gentle giant. He may weigh ninety pounds and stand on his hind legs at just over five feet, but he is a huge teddy bear. I'm not sure exactly what breeds constitute his mix: his coloring and tail are all German shepherd; his head is unmistakably retriever; his spotted black tongue seems to indicate Chow. He has a very gentle disposition. Everyone who meets him remarks on how chill and calm and friendly he is, and I take great pride in that. Like all puppies and the people who adopt them, we went through our share of growing pains. Furniture lost to nascent teeth. Carpeting lost to untrained bowel and bladder. Patience lost to barks that signified I didn...

 Rain is drizzling down, dripping and dropping in dribs and drabs outside my window. A flat repetitive, arrhythmic plop announces the meeting of raindrop to aluminum railing. A soft smack of a kiss marries raindrop to tile. A gentle patter nurses Raindrop down the gullet of Flower. Today, the wet of the Caribbean has taken over. The Lighthouse Look Apartments sit on Lighthouse Lane, in the city of Atlantic Shores, in the parish of Christ Church, in the country of Barbados. Having graduated from quarantine at the Moonraker, Roo and I now find ourselves here. No spare surf shacks, these. Appliances are all modern, and nicer than the items I possessed back home. The internet is top shelf, and all U.S. content is available to stream. The shower has pressure. The beds have blankets. I have air conditioning and a free laundry room on-site. There is nothing here to want. Except to leave! As mentioned previously, Roo and I arrived just as the government announced a nation-wide lockdown. "...

I step out on to the patio after my first night at the Moonraker and I let my eyes adjust to the brightest sunlight I've ever experienced. I can't say "seen," because first of all, it's so bright you need to shut your eyes. You feel the sunlight, immediately warm on your skin, and then hotter and hotter as the seconds pass. And this will sound crazy, but the sunlight reveals aromas. Everything around me is warmed in the sun's rays, so plants and animals don't hide shyly like in the woodlands of the American northeast. Plants shed their leaves and pollen and excretions and dews. Animals leave their hair and waste and drool on the soft, tufted grass and trees. The picnic tables are spotted with the drillings of insects. My feet are tickled by the occasional passing gecko. Roo lazily makes his way out onto the grass and flops down in the heat. There are other dogs onsite here - permanent residents named Bella and Rex. Their attitude toward Roo is initially st...

If you fly to the Caribbean, and you taxi to the southern coast of Barbados, to a clutch of jungle and tall grass called Green Garden Bay, which rests its ass on the beaches of the Silver Sands, nestled along the shore where kites fly in the morning and sentences run on for days, you will find the Moonraker Beach Hotel. Well, I say hotel, but is that what the Moonraker is, really? Imagine a two-story motel you can't drive up to, painted in bright Caribbean primary colors, and all the doors open to the world. This is a spot for surfers and kite-surfers and foilers to enjoy a spare living space between bouts of fighting the wind and sea. Formerly, it was a hotel, that is true. But to save on a cleaning staff and a receptionist, the owner of the property decided to make these rooms into "apartments." He did what he could with what was left after selling anything that could fetch value. A propane tank to power the stove. Mattresses with sheets for you to sleep and square tile...

I arrive on the island of Barbados on February 6th, 2021. I am wearing a long-sleeve shirt and linen pants and a hat representing a basketball team from a city that's two years behind me. It is ridiculously hot and humid, weather made all the worse by my attire, and the fact that I am standing on the tarmac of the Grantley Adams International Airport, beneath the cooling engines of an A320. I am trying to make a phone call: the customs broker who has been working with me to ensure a safe arrival on the island for me and my dog is nowhere to be found. The last of my fellow passengers has boarded a bus that ferries them away to the customs and clearance office. And so now, I'm standing on the tarmac with my dog on his leash, flashing paperwork at a helpful but bewildered and overwhelmed man named Daryl, and I have no idea where to go next. I manage to get ahold of the man who is transporting Roo (my dog) to our quarantine hotel. Because animals have to go through one kind of clea...

The political party supporters who think that Hollywood should keep its nose out of politics elected Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Donald Trump. People who are pro-life but deny that climate change is a real, man-made problem, and think guns in a classroom are a smart idea do not understand hypocrisy. Here's my question about guns in a school, if the concern really is for safety: fire extinguishers are for safety, too. Fires don't always break out, but just in case they do, we have extinguishers in every classroom and in a few common areas of the school, like the cafeteria, auditorium, and gym. So since school shootings don't always happen, but only sometimes happen, here's what we'll do. Right next to the fire extinguishers, we'll put a loaded rifle in a glass case. There will be one in every classroom and in the common areas, like the cafeteria, auditorium, and gym. You know.... for safety. Confederate statues are monuments erected to people ...

“Right here is a good place to find your focus for class.   We’re here for ninety seconds.” I’m being urged to find that mental space between “you can do this” and “sweet tea, just kill me” by a woman in outstanding shape.   She has a soothing voice and a wireless headset.   For the next 55 minutes, she is going to execute some of the most complicated stretching and positioning techniques I've seen in my life. She is going to do these things with an ease that startles and confounds me.   Physically, my body does not believe that the words coming out of this woman’s mouth correspond to actions that it is capable of.   So I kind of laugh. Ninety seconds?   She may as well have said two weeks. I am the one man in a room of seventeen to twenty women.   They’re here for the same reason I am: to get into better shape.   Outwardly, the place looks nothing like a gym.   You don’t hear weights clanging together.   You don’t hear the pou...

Don't go outside, dude. Have you even seen the news lately? I mean, not that you can trust the news any more, right, but like, have you seen what's going on out there? Half of the Midwest just got hit by an Arctic hurricane. That wasn't even a weather thing eight years ago, but it's a thing now. You wanna get caught in one of those, dude? Hell no! California is on fire and Miami is literally sinking into the ocean. Where you gonna go, really? Dude, Amazon will drop Whole Foods groceries right at your front door. C'mon, I just got Red Dead Redemption 2, dude! Don't go outside, dude. Did you see what happened in New Zealand? People get shot, dude. You can get shot in church or at school or in a hospital or at the movies or at a concert or in a nightclub. And politicians don't even care, dude, cuz people keep getting shot. No one is even trying to stop it any more. You wanna get shot, dude? I don't wanna get shot. I mean, even the cops might shot you ...

Everyone in the town of Blackstone knows Mr. X. The extent to which Mr. X is a threat to Blackstone is up for debate, though. Even the cops in Blackstone aren't unanimous in their feeling. On the one hand, he's a fairly prominent businessman. He does well in the community, and a lot of folks seem to like him or have at least a favorable opinion of him. On the other hand, there's very strong evidence that he's a drug dealer. He's also willing to do or say just about anything to keep himself out of trouble, which makes things very difficult in the Blackstone police department. Not all of Blackstone's police officers possess the strong moral fiber required of their station, and so they frequently find themselves seduced by Mr. X and his lifestyle. He slides them bribes when he needs to, or pays them protection money. Sometimes, if one of the cops has a relative who's down on their luck, Mr. X will toss them a low-level job until they're back on their feet. ...

October, 2001 No matter the remedy, my head won't stop buzzin' Like all of these problems are one dime per dozen Or twelve for ten cents, except nothing makes sense And the more that I reach out and try so hard to hold The more that this all spirals out of control So in my attempt to see a little clearer I try to find peace as I look in the mirror But it brings me no comfort because I don't recognize These clouds that have settled and distorted my eyes I dropped my smile and I think that it broke And when I open my mouth, I can't speak, I just choke There seems little help in all that's familiar Can't stop an addiction, even if it might kill ya Haven't righted a wrong, just watch it get polluted Haven't focused my goals, my vision's been diluted I reach for these things but I can't seem to attain them Tears scratch the surface, somehow I contain them Keep on swallowing down, repressing a frown Choking back on emotion and igno...

It is January, 2009. I am sitting at a large circular table in a huge glass alcove with fourteen other strangers and a man in a very crisply pressed blue dress shirt. I am running my hands over the cover of an orientation packet for the large restaurant conglomerate that is about to employ me. I am being told what is acceptable for the limits of my uniform. When the meeting ends, I go outside into the swirling snow and get behind the wheel of my car and I drive it back to my mother's house. I am recently moved into her guest room at the age of 27 after trying and failing to make a life work for myself in Los Angeles.  A few days after this meeting at the large circular table in the huge glass alcove with the fourteen other strangers who are about to become my coworkers, and this man in the blue dress shirt who is about to become my boss, I am to don all black attire and work the host desk for a large chain restaurant that is best known for its cheese-based cakes. My job includes sh...

Wednesday, 10.24.18 11:44 am 36 years old 186 pounds Prescott, AZ In the early 21st century, something awful happened: humanity was given the ability to send text messages. At first, we thought this was a good thing. Business could move faster. The populace could stay more informed. We could communicate with one another at a rate previously unseen in history. We were moving into the Information Age with gusto and it felt like the Right Thing at the Right Time. We did not know then what a terrible and powerful weapon we were handed. A text is to its recipient as a blank page is to a writer. Devoid of context, tone, or voice, a text can be whatever the recipient wants/thinks/needs/feels it to be. The original intent can only be explained in person, but that happens much later (if it happens at all) and oftentimes, the explanation is too little, too late or heard by deaf ears. In a flash, a text message can undo hours spent together, long talks of empathy and commiseration, and a ...

Wednesday, 8.29.18 10:49pm 36 years old 187 pounds Top 5 Outkast Songs: SpottieOttieDopalicious, B.O.B., Humble Mumble, Southernplayalistic, Roses Denver, CO 2018 has been an astonishingly strange year thus far. The author is feeling reflective as we tick down to September and begin the final quarter turn. How do we still have four months left to go? How do we only have four months left to go? On a cold, clear night in January, I left/was fired from the one job I'd known since arriving in Denver. It was devastating to me at the time, and then liberating, and then frightening. I fought through some very lean months with the gracious help of friends and my new adopted family here in this strange city next to the mountains. There solidified within me this feeling that I was doing all the right things and had made all the right choices and though it was difficult to see at the time, it would all work out to be okay. It was more difficult to know this truth on some days. On a...

Tuesday, 8.21.18 3:06pm 36 years old (feels like) 1000 pounds Lake Pend Oreille, ID If the company a man keeps is a reflection of who he is, then I would like to apologize for being a drunk and a drug addict. I would like to apologize for being someone who is flaky and bad about keeping plans. I would like to apologize for being terrible about keeping in touch. I would like to apologize for being unreliable, for not doing what I'm asked, for being impulsive, for thinking always and only of myself. I would like to apologize for being a bad friend. I would like to apologize for being passive-aggressive on social media. I would like to apologize for manipulating the emotions of the people I care about most. I would like to apologize for being a bad friend. And I think maybe from now on, I will severely limit the company I keep.

Tuesday, 7.17.18 12:53pm 36 years old 184 pounds Topeka, KS A bunch of fat raindrops sit pregnant and poised to pop in the bloated, humid air of a summer day in the capital city of Kansas. Topeka is not a place anyone chooses who isn't from here. Topeka is a place to which you become chained as a child. My coworkers and I have been summoned here to teach a software we know to be buggy to a group of teachers who are here against their will. Eyes are glassy with boredom in the reflection of their laptop screens. They are full from lunch, and sleepy. They are growing restless as my cohorts continue to bullshit their way through functionality we know to be problematic. I'm here to shadow and to learn. I make myself an effective shadow - I sit quietly in a corner and I watch. All I've learned so far is that this is not going anywhere near as smoothly as my colleagues would like. This morning's training took three hours. In that time, I heard the phrase, "what you ...