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Post #12

Imagine that your parents constantly told you that you were a ploy to keep one of them in a relationship they hated.
Imagine that the ploy failed anyway, and you were told that you were the reason why.
Imagine if someone who married into your family was allowed to slag and belittle and demean your mother whenever they felt like it without penalty or consequence.
Imagine being told over and over again that you were not strong enough, physically or emotionally or mentally.
Imagine being born with a borderline photographic memory and autism that went undiagnosed for years, and trying to forget all of these things.
Imagine being told that now that the divorce was finalized, you and your brother were the family unit and that you were the two who truly mattered, and then imagine getting guilt-tripped any time you and your brother did things together that excluded the rest of your "family."
Imagine that whenever you screwed up, your parents wrote you a letter about it instead of having a conversation with you, face to face.
Imagine if you were accused of being a haunt when you were a child with nowhere else to go, and then imagine getting yelled at as a teenager because your life had filled out and you were no longer around as often as you were as a kid.
Imagine getting to see your parents only eight days a month, and then imagine that for one of those days, they hired a sitter so they could have time to themselves to get away from you and your brother.
Imagine if you were terrified of ever being honest because for six years, everything you said to a licensed therapist ended up in a court transcript.
Imagine that someone took your unconditional love and weaponized it as a legal strategy.
Imagine writing a blog and never being able to talk about this stuff that plagues your brain EVERY DAY because the audience for your blog is the same eight family members all the time.
Imagine if everything you posted online was met with a text or a phone call about the state of your mental health because you twice attempted suicide and you are a former alcoholic.
Imagine being afraid to be yourself.
Imagine never knowing your true self because you moved so much as a kid, your entire existence was based on your adaptability and how well you blended in after everyone else targeted you as "the new kid."
Imagine that all of your rage caused by the preceding sentences elicited a laugh from the people who "care about" you and "love" you.
Imagine going away to college hundreds of miles from home and no one going with you.
Imagine that just typing all of this makes your chest hurt and your pulse quicken.

Can you imagine any of that?
Imagine if the advice you received upon laying all of this out for someone was to "just let it go, man," or that "everything happens for a reason," or "you just have to try and stay positive," or "you should smile more."

What kind of adult do you think you'd grow up to be?
How do you think you'd view your parents?
What do you think your relationships with the opposite sex would be like?
How good a friend would you be?
What would your sense of self-worth be?
How much of yourself would you trust?
How much of yourself would you even know?
How much of a relationship should you even want with the people who put you through all those things?
How guilty should you feel about telling those people to fuck the fuck off and leave you alone for the rest of your life so that for once, your memories would stop haunting you and your heart would stop being disappointed and your soul would stop its frantic search for a kindred and your muscles would finally unclench and your lungs would finally exhale and your shoulders would finally pull themselves down from around your ears?
How would you work toward forgiveness?
How would you let go of all that hate?
How would you let go of all that hate?

How do I let go of all this hate?
Why can't I let go of all this hate?

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